[Blackstreet Bakery]
Me: [watching the baker kneading dough] “I love the way you work it”
Baker: “No diggity?”
Me: “Baguette up.”
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[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.