[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
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I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Simple
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders