“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
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oh you wanna fight?!
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.