Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
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Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro