COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
You Might Also Like
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”