[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
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If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.