THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
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Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.