[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
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I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please