I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
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me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.