This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
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Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money