Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
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People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.