[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
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Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
#ProTip
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”