[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
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🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter