[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
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[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”