[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
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Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
can’t bark with your mouth full
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.