[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
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my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”