@KatieBurnett: Blind dates are the best because they can't see me stealing all of the food from their plate
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@ilovepie84: My neighbor once said he was as healthy as a horse. Today he broke his leg so I had to put him down.
@TheToddWilliams: [desert island diary - day 1] 4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait. 5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
@astutenewf: Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it's lettuce.
@jimmytorosian: I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.