Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
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Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
They’re stuck in your pants?
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I can’t be the only one 😂
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine