[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
You are not alone 💚
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Wednesday
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]