Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
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My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout