[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
You Might Also Like
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
How actors in movies eat their food
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.