Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
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Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
incredible text to wake up to
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.