I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
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Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Wait a second…
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?