Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
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My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.