@cervixsmash: Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family
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@drewjanda: Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
@VerifiedDrunk: Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
@Underchilde: They don’t make microwaves the size of refrigerators because they know if you were high you’d try nuking your friends.
@OutOfLeftField_: Women's voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you're in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.