Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
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Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.