Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
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Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Pot warmers of the day.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”