Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
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If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Skills
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi