If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
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Cat.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”