Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
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“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
what it’s like dating me:
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.