[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
You Might Also Like
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.