Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
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You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
My dad.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter