[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
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Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
get you a girl who
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot