[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
You Might Also Like
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
i made a craigslist ad !
english majors be like furthermore
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it