[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
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My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject