Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
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Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.