is this a threat
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I unironically love this joke.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
felt cute might bury dad later idk
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Shortcut
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.