“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
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As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?