Body by Oreos
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Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Sell your car
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again