Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
You Might Also Like
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
“what’s it like having a sister?”
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula