snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
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“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry