Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
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Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.