I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
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*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.