Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
You Might Also Like
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*