“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
This probably isn’t good
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
how much for the angry fruit?
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.