@rocknthepurple: I don't know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

@pauline_mcd: Stress balls work better if you have good aim.

@novicefather: *writes employment history on arm *writes professional references on thigh *writes email address on neck *adds "resume" to resume

@KeetPotato: [inventing humans] god: "they should have complete control of their tongue" angel: "um ok" god: "let me finish.. except when using scissors"

@jaboukie: me: *is guillotined in a whole foods* cnn: Man Beheaded In Grains Section Has Dark Past Of Illegally Downloading T-Pain Songs In 2007