@jwoodham: "You have a date? With who?" [Sees a fishing boat] "Uh, her name is Net..." [Sees someone with a booger] "Flicks! Net Flicks! Wait. Dammit."

@KentTheG: When co-workers ask if the photos on my desk are my kids, I like to say, "No, they're Dan's from accounting. But they're so cute!"

@lazerdoov: If I had to be in the military I'd probably pick sleeper cell agent cause I get tired a lot

@dreadnaught69: I'm pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

@rickkondell: Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.