@AndyKindler: "I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That's crazy." Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin

@abbycohenwl: *releases helium-filled heart balloon* Me: You're free now Balloon: Ima choke a bird

@SamGrittner: *job interview* "Where do you see yourself in five years?" "Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface."

@Tmoney68: [Army Shooting Range] Officer: Are you locked & loaded? Soldiers: YES SIR! Officer: You may fire at will! Soldier Named Will: WTF?

@VeganZebra: Me: Let's go to Chipotle Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let's go to Chipotle