[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
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Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I bet
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
All food is good if you spell it wrong
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now