Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
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If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller