[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
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I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today