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- Zebra walking past a self service checkout.
@bobbiejo448: Every time I use <3 in an @ to someone, I can't help but think, "Please accept this carrot with balls as a token of how much I heart you."
@mrtruthandsoul: Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
@Boba_Photo: 11yo: Daddy, why can't we get a dog?
Me: I like our house the way it is.
11: What, small?
Me: Go to your drawer.
@jazmasta: "That'll be $15.99 please"
"Do you take giant revolving badgers?"
*cashier grabs me by the throat*
"We ONLY take giant revolving badgers"
@cjwerleman: When Obama declared war on Ebola, an executive producer at Fox News tried to find it on google maps.