Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
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my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
lmfao come on