Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
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People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.