Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
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Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.